Not The Apprentice?! canary wharf

Every year, we sit down to subject ourselves to be entertained by The Apprentice candidates’ overstuffed personal introduction videos. This is my advice to the candidates having watched episodes 1 and 2.

Learn the difference between an adjective and a verb

Anyone else feeling deflated that the decline of the English language is no longer the fault of the hoodie-wearing, mobile-addicted school dropouts of urban legend? No it ‘s all down to the BBC ‘s The Apprentice candidates. From their pompous self-introductions and taxi rants to their post-task analysis, I ‘m not sure I ‘d trust any one of them to tweet for one of our clients, let alone decide how to spend £100,000! Did this escape the notice of the selection panel? I ‘d have slotted in an interview task requiring candidates to construct an elevator speech without using superlatives.

How will they manage to chair meetings, run presentations or write a business plan?

If you must talk in clich√©s, for pity ‘s sake, get them right!

  • The world is full of far too many wafflers. I get the job done, I walk the walk, I talk the talk and I dance the dance.

This is classic Apprentice-speak. Cliches are either misquoted, embellished (badly) or mashed together to form an editor ‘s ultimate nightmare.

Try to avoid sexism when you ‘re pitching for a large investment, in which you ‘re judged by both a male and a female

  • I am an alpha male. I can make women do what I want in the business world and, come to think of it, some men.
  • Most men will buy from females because females are more attractive to look at

The men part has been added in, I think, only after he heard himself aloud, and realized perhaps that it sounded at least a little creepy. As for Sarah, feminists up and down the country will have been pounding their fists into their cross-stitch, following a day spent floating decoratively around the office in their flattering twinsets after typing up the boss ‘ dictation.

Realise that your grandiose statements paint a picture of insanity

  • I see myself as a mix between Gandhi and the Wolf of Wall Street.
  • I believe I am right about everything.
  • I regret not becoming a scientist so I could clone myself.

Honestly people, if an interviewee came out with this one, we ‘d be guffawing into our mid-afternoon soya mochas. I feel na√Øve have they been told what to say by a room full of comical teenage scriptwriters?

@thesensei is making me watch. I ‘m slurping another large mouthful of Earl Grey as I hide behind a protectively oversized mug. But, I ‘m also feeling somewhat Karren Bradyesque. The Apprentice is great for the ego of a hard-working micro-enterprise owner in this wee corner of Europe.

Thankfully the sea separates me from The Apprentice candidates. Otherwise, I ‘d appear mid-show, disguised as an English teacher and give them what for .

What makes you roar over your wagon wheel apple and tea? Do tell.

Image credit: foolstopzanet