11 Ways to Lose Friends and Alienate People on Facebook

The advice below is geared at professional users, not anyone else. You are trying to lose friends and alienate people on Facebook aren’t you? That’s what you’re trying to do isn’t it?

  • Spend your time on Farmville and other games and make sure everything you do there is updated to your Profile, so everyone knows just exactly what stage you and your other 200 friends have got to in the game. Do this with every game.
  • Connect with everyone that sends you a Friend recommendation. It doesn’t matter whether you know them, or have any connection to them or not. The more friends the better. Numbers are everything. (You’re the type who throws your business cards around like confetti, right?)
  • Don’t be selective; post every Twitter and LinkedIn update to your Facebook Profile and Page. That way, you wear people down by the sheer force of repetition, and you know, the more times people see your face and logo on Facebook (and other social networking profiles), the more likely they are to click into your website and buy multiple products.
  • Don’t bother with adding your email address or telephone number on your Profile or Page. If people really want to learn more about your service, they will figure it out. Everything’s available on Google, innit?
  • Share all photos of you and your friends and family. The more photos in your albums, the better. And, the more you show of your personality, the better. Getting drunk and falling out of your top shows character, “ladies”!
  • Send people Friend suggestions over and over again, for new people you want to help on Facebook, even though no-one is interested. This is a charitable activity, and the newbies will love you.
  • Ignore the growing numbers of people hiding your Facebook stream. It’s their loss.
  • Give other people advice on how to use Facebook, but don’t do any of this yourself. People know that you know what to do and how to engage with followers, it’s not necessary to model this behaviour. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself.
  • If people disagree with you on Facebook, or post a negative comment on your Page, delete them. There’s no room for differences of opinion or other viewpoints, it creates a bad impression of your business.
  • Randomly follow people, then engage them in 2 hour Facebook Chat conversations. When they politely try to leave the conversation, ask another question. Or, better, make a random creepy flattering comment about their appearance. They’re sure to stay on and talk longer.

Allen and I are huge followers of the right to express sarcasm at any given opportunity, and we are fully aware that it is the “lowest form of wit”, so we’d love to hear your crucial suggestions for how to lose friends and alienate people on Facebook.